so what else has changed?

senior year was awesome. i got over the awkwardness of freshman year, the solitude of sophomore year, and the difficulties of junior year. all was perfect.

i feel like i shouldn't go class by class anymore, that's just boring to read. what exciting things happened this year...

well, one of the coolest things i got to do was take trips to new york city with my school's quiz bowl team. my best friend is on the team and they were competing on a television show (on a channel that i don't even get, tear). we went three times, (if i remember correctly) in december, february, and march. freezing, but totally awesome.

it's kind of weird, i remember sitting in the march taping and seeing that the airdate for the episodes they were taping that day were in june, weeks after our graduation. i nudged my friend and said, 'wow, june. that's so far away.'

now it's july?!???

anyway, they kicked ass. and us audience members did a lot of clapping. A. LOT. OF. CLAPPING. we walked out of that studio every day thinking, 'I NEVER WANT TO CLAP AGAIN.' yes, in all caps.
of course, though, we were happy and enthusiastic for our awesome team! we made it to third in the state! not bad at all, especially considering they lost in the first round last year.

funny story, one time we were in the waiting room singing "WE WENT TO THE MOON IN 1969! NOT 1968 BUT THE YEAR AFTER!" (props if you know where that's from) and laughing to each other, saying, "imagine if that were really one of the questions!" we get into the taping and one of the questions was actually, "who was the first man to walk on the moon?" i looked at my friend and she looked at me and we shrugged, thinking "close enough!" and lol'd.

the march taping was actually the championships, so all the best teams were there for a long day of answering trivia questions. oddly enough, none of the "best" teams had that many fans (all busy studying at school, duh) so we were often called in to sit in the audience and... CLAP! i swear, we watched at least three games that day and even sat out one or two to recover. we got home at about 8 o'clock that night and were expected to go home, do our homework, and show up at school the next day, but it was all totally worth it.

i think the best part about it was being able to miss school to chill out and have a good time. i'd say "have a good time in the city," but we spent most of our time in the studio (as our chaperones couldn't be held liable for us, etc). we did get to go out a bit, i.e. to mcdonald's and charley's for some noms or wandering around to find the bus. ah, i'll never forget watching, half-horrified yet half-amused, as a group of guys tried to cross the street and almost got run over by an onslaught of furiously honking cabs. good times.

in between our city adventures, we sat and chilled in the studio's waiting room. we played ghost, ate chicken mcnuggets, even played tetris when my friend and i brought our gameboys! being too good at tetris sucks, by the way. nobody wants to play against you. one of the show's interns actually passed by and saw us playing and challenged me to a few rounds. one of his superiors passed by and he sheepishly asked if he was allowed to be doing this. she responded,

"look, man, let me tell you something. really, as long as you get the job done, you can do whatever the hell you want."

wise words. and i still beat him. several times. it was cool.

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"hey, remember that nutang site? i wonder if it's still around!"

and it is! whoa! hey!

i haven't updated this site in two years... so, in celebration of rediscovering this site (holy crap, i need a new profile picture) i shall stream-of-consciousness style summarize my junior and senior years (in between tetris games, of course)! go-go-go!

junior year was filled with AP exams and... nothing else. seriously, is that all i can remember from junior year? well, i started calculus, which was the biggest pain in the ass. it also killed my gpa terribly.

on the plus side, the guy that sat behind me (between his random mumbling and cursing out the teacher) had a humongous crush on one of my friends. he'd ask me about her once in a while and i thought it was the most adorable thing in the world. well, barring the fact that she's a conceited bitch who used to list off all the guys who wanted a slice of that... what? true story.

i didn't wanna discourage him because it was his senior year, after all (oh, that was an interesting three person class after the seniors graduated) but it was amusing to no end to watch this guy go after a girl who would whisper to me, "why does he keep talking to me? i don't like him..." oh, i don't know...

my sophomore religion teacher made a world cup pool at the end of the year, true story. i don't remember what country i got, but i don't think anybody got spain so no free wendy's guys, sorry.

spanish was a weird class. i got the biggest crush on this guy that i never knew existed before junior year (apparently, that summer he cut his hair really short. i didn't even recognize him with long hair in the yearbooks from past years) who had a deep voice that was really nice to listen to in spanish (especially since he was? is? fluent). it was weird, i dropped that crush the minute AP tests were over. as i told my friend, i think it was a distraction from all the stress of junior year.

it was kind of funny actually... my friend is friends with him and was trying to give my pointers about how to talk to him, which later evolved into how to approach guys in general. looking back, this is kind of pathetic, but fuck that. it never really worked because i eventually realized that we had absolutely no chemistry, but there's really no loss there, so whatever.

oh hey, i'm going class-by-class. anyway, history was the best. my teacher was the most sarcastic, black-humored man i've ever met. he'd show us pictures of child laborers from the early twentieth century, all depressed and black and white, and say things like, 'why aren't they working?' and make jokes about post-birth abortions. and curse out other teachers. and profess his undying love and admiration of others. it was adorable. one of my friends had a bit of a crush on him, though, and that was kind of weird. she's kind of weird.

moving on, my english teacher was awesome. we constantly asked ourselves, 'why is she working here?' apparently, she used to have a six-figure job as a partner in a huge law firm. and now she's working at catholic school. gotta give her props for following her heart, she genuinely enjoys teaching, so all the more power to her. anyway, she'd tell us stories about gym class under the eiffel tower, or her paralympian mother.

halfway through the year, her absences became more frequent and she often left school for weeks at a time (which really killed us, nobody wants their favorite teacher to be out). she came in a little while later and told us that she had cancer and was receiving treatment. and her outlook was good! that was the important part. we ordered her flowers (or were they edible arrangements? same deal) and made her a card and had an elaborate plan to surprise her with them in class once. it was adorable.

physics was terrifying.

biology was the worst, it killed all of our GPAs and was a huge blow to all of our self-esteems. the class averages on all the tests, without a curve, was failing. most of us got 5s on the AP exam though, which i guess is the important part, but still. my GPA hurt. all nighters, reading the book from 3 in the afternoon 'till 3 at night, weren't fun either. the fact that i transferred into the class and had to teach myself the first few units was kind of painful too.

oh, the sacrifices i make for school.

anyway, i deem junior year "the year that killed my chances of getting into cornell." no shit, i really do, my grades in bio and calc killed me. but that's fate! this is getting kind of long (that's what she said) so maybe i'll do senior year another day.

this was fun, nutang.

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I have two friends.
Well, not just two friends. But I'm just singling these two out for right now.

I'll call the girl C. She's on the tall side and she's very bright, probably one of the top students at her all-girls school. She's also your stereotypical, clumsy girl - she takes dance lessons, but you wouldn't know it if you looked at her. Sure, she's tall and thin, but she can't walk in a straight line to save her life. She carries around a small, folding brush in her pocket all the time to occasionally brush her shoulder-length, straight, black hair, and she refuses to get contacts because the thought of touching her eyes on a daily basis freaks her out. Oh yeah, and she loves talking with her hands - I went out to get italian ice with her and she went on the phone, telling her dad where she was, and put the ice down just so she could karate chop with her hand.

Do you get the picture?

I've been friends with C for a long time. When we were in kindergarten, I considered her my rival because in Pre-K, I was the smartest kid in the class. Upon her arrival, I was brushed aside, but in later grades we were nearly equals, though I like to say that I did better. Our parents even worked together, so even though we don't go to the same school anymore, we still keep in touch and hang out occasionally.

I'm also friends with this guy, I'll call him B. I've known him since I was in sixth grade, though we never really started talking until high school. He's on the very tall side; on the first day of freshman year, he confused some girls that thought he was already a senior. Mentally, he's a great student - he maintains a spot on the honor roll while still taking all honors classes (as do I, ahem, but this isn't about me), but with the way he talks and writes, you wouldn't think it. Sure, he says intelligent things, but his mannerisms make him sound like a five year old, and I can read Japanese better than I can read his handwriting (chicken scratch, in his own words). Hell, he still chews on and can't stand for a long time without hiding his hands in his sleeves.

And don't get me started on his dating awkwardness. He's a sweet guy, but he just can't get a girlfriend. It's not from a lack of trying - I know that he's actively pursued two of my best friends (and we all laugh at him behind his back about this - I'd say no offense, but that would be a lie; he's my friend and all but...) and he's asked out at least two others, but they've all turned him down.

Despite all these little annoyances, we still stay friends. I'm comfortable talking to him about almost anything, except maybe one.

You see, a week or so ago, C and B started to date. I don't know where it started, I don't know how it started, but from the moment I saw it, one word went through my mind - desperation. C had just broken up with her boyfriend a few months before. As the first guy that's ever asked her out, I could tell that she was still kind of attached to the feeling of having a boyfriend. B... he just screamed 'desperate' after being rejected almost four times - I feel sorry for him, but I just can't accept their relationship as of now.

Maybe it's because I don't want C, who's been my friend since we were toddlers!, to go out with a guy that gives off a desperate vibe. Even if I do know him, that doesn't keep me from being a little skeptical about them and what he really wants from her.
Maybe I'm still in shock because two of my best friends have just started going out, out of the blue. The only other time I had seen them together before this was at my sweet sixteen, when they disappeared off together after both complaining to feel 'hot' and 'sick' on the dance floor. Mind you, this relationship sprang up two weeks after this - and I hadn't heard of them hanging out or talking during this period of time. Though they might have.
Maybe I'm just jealous. I've always viewed C and B as the most awkward out of all my friends, and I though I know I should feel happy for them - hey, they've both found someone that can make them happy - I'm still kind of clueless as to why I haven't found someone for me yet. Hell, two of my best friends have guys to hug them and text them in the middle of school, hell, in the middle of the night, while I'm at a loss as to where I should even begin.

I'd ask them when? why? but the discomfort that I feel toward their relationship keeps me from bringing it up - I'm afraid that I'll bring up the way I feel about them together, and this might disgust them. Now that I think about it, the thought of them together actually kind of disgusts me too. Maybe I'm just avoiding the topic because I don't want to throw up a little in my mouth.
In any case, I think both of them kind of understand how I don't want to talk about it. I don't know what they've been saying to each other, but neither of them have really talked about the other one to me. I hung out with C the other day, and she outlined the day before as school, hanging out with friends downtown, watching a movie with B, being happy, sleeping. No details about their date or anything. The same thing with B, the only time I've ever talked to him about her was when he had his phone out in the middle of class - "Who are you texting?" "My girlfriend, who else?" And that was it.

I'm not the only one who feels this way. I hung out with three other friends from our group, and the topic of C and B came up. "Who else isn't comfortable with this?" one of my friends exclaimed, and the rest of us voiced our agreement. It was great to have that out in the open, but I don't know how I can - or if I'll ever be able to - support them as a couple.

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If you like someone, does his or her name start with a B,K,H,R,J,T,C,S,Z, or G?
umumummmm i just LOVE the letter J like all the time, for some reason, haha
and i think i actually do like someone whose name starts with a Z, but it's his last name

Is there anyone you really want to see right now?
yessiree

When did you first get Myspace?
middle of sixth grade, that one got deleted, made another one right after, deleted that one myself - this one's from about seventh grade, before eighth grade?

What kind of phone do you have?
some old ass phone - i don't even know what it is

What are you listening to?
karina - can't find the words

What are you doing two days from now?
mallin'? and running youth group, that's whats up (hahahaha wow)

Do you miss anyone?
yes!

What time is it?
11:20 (man, i really wanna say 12:51)

Are you wearing socks?
yeah, for once, my house is freezing

Do you regret something you did the day before yesterday?
i regret stuff all the time

Do you have anything in your pockets right now?
i don't have pockets

Are you comfortable with answering personal questions?
nobody reads these anyway

do/did you do good in school?
i'm like the second/third smartest in the grade (depending on who you ask, but definitely not first dammit >=O)

Have you made any mistakes recently?
yes!

Ever kissed someone who smokes?
gag

Is someone on your mind right now?
unfortunately

Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
i was thinking the other day about how friggin' spoiled i am, actually

Where were you at 2:02 am this morning?
i was either asleep or struggling to sleep

Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now?
NO

Did you go to sleep last night smiling?
i was pissed off, hahaha

Anyone told you a secret this week?
nobody tells me secrets anymore, i've learned to deal with it

Have you ever collapsed on the bathroom floor?
no

Do you have a good relationship with your father?
it's pretty good

When was the last time you bought something?
lunch!

Do you play an instrument?
i'm gonna go play the piano after this, actually! i should really cut my nails though

Is your phone within a meter radius of you?
i have no idea where it is, actually

what color is the thing you are sitting on right now?
black/dark gray/etc

Was this New Year's enjoyable?
it was okay

Are you high?
hell no

What is your desktop picture?
some random picture my brother drew - if i could find something good to change it to, i would, but i can't

Do you shop for clothes?
how else am i gonna get clothes?

are you listening to music right now?
OOOH IT'S WHAT YOU DO TO MEEEEEEEE

Who else is in the room with you?
nobody

Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
yeah!

How long can you go without your mobile phone?
i can go for months without my phone, but my dad would get pissed at me like 'your phone is for emergencies!' yadda yadda yadda i couldn't care less

If you won a shopping spree at the mall, which store would you run to first?
realistically like... louis vuitton, hahaha

Are you afraid of the dentist?
i'm afraid of throwing up at the dentist!

What do you eat on your hamburgers?
cheese, ketchup, a little mayo, lettuce, tomatoes, pretty much anything but raw onions

Are you organized?
i'm not ocd, but i keep my stuff in order

What do you do to relax before you fall asleep?
watch a little t.v.

Last song you downloaded?
a live version of jason mraz's "if it kills me"

Have you ever put Mentos in Coke?
nah

Do you wear glasses?
when i'm not wearing my contacts or sleeping

Ever made out with a monkey?
gross

When was the last time you went to the ocean?
like two summers ago (i don't belong in new jersey)

Would you marry the Burger King King?
no way

Ever take a dump in the woods?
never

How many times have you gone to the bathroom today?
at least... 5 (if you count going in to brush my teeth and stuff)

What room are you in?
my room, thanks

What color is your camera?
i don't have one, but if you count, like, my parents', then silver

Where is your room?
third floor?! i don't know how to explain it, my house is weird

What is the closest green item to you?
water... bottle... wrapper

Last time you saw your mother?
about an hour ago

What was it you last laughed about?
i don't even know...

Do you drink Red Bull or any other energy drink?
i'm trying to see how long i can go without drinking energy drinks

How often do you give high fives?
i give people high fives all the time now, hahaha, at least one a day

Where did you last eat?
my kitchen?!

What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
fruitista freeeeeeze, yum

When was the last time you saw your number 2?
randomized

Where is your biological father right now?
downstairs, probably on his laptop

Who took your profile picture?
photopass photographer! oh yeah

Do you celebrate monthly anniversaries?
never had one?

Name five peopl​e you'​ve talke​d to today​?​
ericka, jessica, christine, anasha, brother?!

Is anyth​ing wrong​ with your eyes?​
near sighted

Do you throw​ your candy​ wrapp​ers away?​
usually, though i save gum wrappers so i can spit the gum back into them when i throw them out? or does that count as throwing them away, hah

Last time you cried​?​ Why?
i don't know, but i kinda feel like it now?

Do you cry when you get an injur​y?
not often, depends on how serious the injury is?!

Do you know anyon​e with the same middl​e name as you?
no, actually, i know nicole's but no nicolettes

Where​ did you sleep​ last night​?​
my bed?!

Have you ever falle​n backw​ards on a chair​?​
i think so, lmao

Are you happy​ right​ now?
eh...

Do you miss anyon​e?​
of course

Do you ever try to write​ with your non-​domin​ant hand?​
tons of times! i've tried perfecting it, i want to be ambidextrous so bad hahaha

Do you get annoy​ed when you see some sort of bug flyin​g aroun​d at the corner of your eye?
not really, unless it's like... coming towards me

Who starr​ed in your last dream​?​
i don't know, actually

Whats​ on your mind right​ now?
whoever just signed off right now

Is there​ someo​ne on your mind that shoul​dn'​t be?
YES YES A MILLION TIMES YES

How many pillo​ws do you sleep​ with?​
three - one body pillow and two regular pillows

What are you drink​ing right​ now?
frutista freeze!

What are you weari​ng right​ now?
random t-shirt and exercise-kind-of pants

Have you ever been awake​ for 48 hours?
nah

What are you liste​ning to?
the go! team - doing it right
(i'm changing it right now though hahaha)

How'​s the weath​er?​
TOO COLD

Do you like the color​ gray?​
it's a pretty chill color

Are you jealo​us of anyon​e right​ now?
YES x 24059384095890345, always

Do you regre​t doing​ somet​hing today​?​
yeah!

Have you lost conta​ct with someo​ne you wish you didn'​t?​
everyone

Do you think​ you'​re old?
not really

Are you afrai​d of the dark?​
i'm afraid of what's in the dark! so cliche now

What are you looki​ng forwa​rd to in the next month​?​
3-day weekend?! is my life really that boring?!

When is the last time you talke​d to numbe​r 1 on your top frien​ds?​
randomized

Have you told anybo​dy you loved​ them today​?​
sure?!

Who do you trust​ with EVERY​THING​?​
nobody, honestly

Somet​imes do you wish you were someo​ne else?​
ALL THE FUCKING TIME

Have you ever told anyon​e you were OK when you reall​y weren​'​t?​
also ALL THE FUCKING TIME

Do you think​ anyon​e in gener​al out there​ loves​ you?
hah, besides family, i doubt it

What is one thing​ you miss about​ your past?​
not being so fucking paranoid of everyone that i'm friends with, that anything and everything that i say will eventually be used against me (really!)

Do you talk a lot?
YES

If you play guita​r hero,​ are you on easy,​ mediu​m,​ hard,​ or exper​t?​
expert! beast (no)

Do you chew on rando​m thing​s?​
hahahahaha... no

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I'm as bored as ever.

and I miss Disney World.

I seriously belong there, I really do.

(Either that, or I'll just never grow up. I'd be a little six-year-old girl forever, with no responsibilities, believing in magic...)

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I still want to consider you guys friends.
I don't know how that can be possible if I always have to second-guess whatever I say to you all (including inviting you guys places).
Really, if I'm constantly afraid of you judging me, I don't know how it'll work out.
Plus, if we were really friends, I wouldn't be afraid at all. But because I feel like you're constantly talking behind my back and can't even trust me, I put the blame on myself, making me feel bad and guilty.
It actually makes me cry.

TO DO:
- work out more often
- practice instruments more often
I really have to work harder at bettering myself.
Inspired by the Olympics? You bet.

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