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hikarixgaki
Age. 24
Gender. Female
Ethnicity.
Location , NJ
School. Boston Univ
» More info.
this is my site // disclaimer
P.S. The passwords to protected entries will always be "watermelon" as for 9/27/06. For all password protected entries before then, just ask me for it but most likely the password it "pleasedont".
listening
links out
background from createblog
i am now 23 years old; i was 11 when i first joined this site
Friday. 5.27.16 4:05 pm
excuse me while i catch up on MORE THAN HALF OF MY LIFE (!!)

(why did i use so much bold?)

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20 things i have realized while working retail
8/10/12 (friday)
1. i apologize. a lot. for everything. did you wait too long for me to open the dressing room? SORRY! is your receipt taking too long to print? SORRY! did your credit card get declined? SORRY! is my folding getting in the way of you unfolding everything? SORRY!

2. there are way more size 00/0/1/3 girls out there than i expected. granted, most are preteen girls. but still. i didn't think anyone could actually fit into those jeans...

3. the most outgoing and talkative people are also the ones that are not afraid to talk shit about any and everyone. this scares me.

4. i take work way too seriously. this was fine in an office, but now i actually have coworkers, wtf? i need to not... be... awkward.

5. i enjoy having coworkers. a lot. sitting in an office all day by myself is death. i need people.

6. saying "have a good one!" is a good way to avoid accidentally saying "have a good day!" when it's actually closing time but you haven't even realized because you've been in the store all day.

7. there is way more paperwork necessary to run a store in the mall than i expected.

8. i would never be able to guess girls' jean sizes. seriously, you're a size 13? i wouldn't have guessed bigger than 7. huh... you're a 5? i would've guessed 9. etc.

9. working at the mall near my high school, i kind of expected to see people i recognize on a frequent basis. i haven't seen any familiar faces in almost two weeks. it is not, in fact, a small world. there are way too many people living in new jersey. (also, get me out of new jersey)

10. every skinny, pretty, blonde, white girl parties, smokes, and drinks. no exceptions.

11. also, i am exceptionally lame. at home, anyway. BRING ME BACK TO BOSTON.

12. not doing shit over the summer besides working is going to bite me in the ass when i have class, a job, several events to plan for the next semester, and friends. all at once. shit.

13. i am definitely the only person who only hung out with people twice, tops, over the summer. i have no friend here anymore. burning bridges, man. don't do it. it's boring.

14. maybe i shouldn't have given up driving indefinitely. it sucks to be the 19-year-old whose father demands she leaves the second he pulls up. EARLY.

15. "my supervisors always schedule me for saturday night..." "LOL they know you don't have a boyfriend!" well... yeah...

16. i am terrible with small talk and cannot think on my feet. not creative at all. once, three guys cornered me in the dressing room, each wearing the same style tank top, and asked which of them looked "biggest". i was terrified.

17. i find it incredibly weird to befriend my supervisors. my parents raised me with a strict "respect your elders" mindset, so to be shooting the shit with them? i just can't. i just. i know i'll need to get over this eventually, but still. ugh. ugh.

18. there are some clothes that nobody will ever buy. ever. why do people make these clothes, seriously. why.

19. i've been working for a month and a half and i still don't know these three guys' names. for the most part, i ignore two of them (and it's mutual) but the other guy seems really friendly, politely waves whenever we see each other and says, hey, what's up, how are you, etc. but i still don't know his name. i don't know how to go about asking now. it's too late. i'm doomed. (well we wear name tags. but still. IT'S STILL AWKWARD.)

20. i really wanted to end on a nice, round number. what else is there? oh yes. a job where i get paid to greet every single person i see? YES. GREET ALL THE PEOPLE. i enjoy it way too much, seriously.

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almost a full year
6/20/12 (wednesday)
it's funny how i spent the first day of summer reading through my old diary. i've had that thing since fifth grade and there was a time when i made it a point to write a page-long entry in it once a month. that became once every three months. once every six months. once a year. and even then, i struggle to find things to write.

wait, i've had a nutang since 2004? and it's 2012 now??! that explains my cringe-inducing username. and preschool layout. it's the same deal, though. i'm looking through my old entries and shuddering in embarrassment. this was me? huh? i'm gonna go crawl into a hole.

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saturday night, home
7/16/11 (saturday)
so what else has changed?

senior year was awesome. i got over the awkwardness of freshman year, the solitude of sophomore year, and the difficulties of junior year. all was perfect.

i feel like i shouldn't go class by class anymore, that's just boring to read. what exciting things happened this year...

well, one of the coolest things i got to do was take trips to new york city with my school's quiz bowl team. my best friend is on the team and they were competing on a television show (on a channel that i don't even get, tear). we went three times, (if i remember correctly) in december, february, and march. freezing, but totally awesome.

it's kind of weird, i remember sitting in the march taping and seeing that the airdate for the episodes they were taping that day were in june, weeks after our graduation. i nudged my friend and said, 'wow, june. that's so far away.'

now it's july?!???

anyway, they kicked ass. and us audience members did a lot of clapping. A. LOT. OF. CLAPPING. we walked out of that studio every day thinking, 'I NEVER WANT TO CLAP AGAIN.' yes, in all caps.
of course, though, we were happy and enthusiastic for our awesome team! we made it to third in the state! not bad at all, especially considering they lost in the first round last year.

funny story, one time we were in the waiting room singing "WE WENT TO THE MOON IN 1969! NOT 1968 BUT THE YEAR AFTER!" (props if you know where that's from) and laughing to each other, saying, "imagine if that were really one of the questions!" we get into the taping and one of the questions was actually, "who was the first man to walk on the moon?" i looked at my friend and she looked at me and we shrugged, thinking "close enough!" and lol'd.

the march taping was actually the championships, so all the best teams were there for a long day of answering trivia questions. oddly enough, none of the "best" teams had that many fans (all busy studying at school, duh) so we were often called in to sit in the audience and... CLAP! i swear, we watched at least three games that day and even sat out one or two to recover. we got home at about 8 o'clock that night and were expected to go home, do our homework, and show up at school the next day, but it was all totally worth it.

i think the best part about it was being able to miss school to chill out and have a good time. i'd say "have a good time in the city," but we spent most of our time in the studio (as our chaperones couldn't be held liable for us, etc). we did get to go out a bit, i.e. to mcdonald's and charley's for some noms or wandering around to find the bus. ah, i'll never forget watching, half-horrified yet half-amused, as a group of guys tried to cross the street and almost got run over by an onslaught of furiously honking cabs. good times.

in between our city adventures, we sat and chilled in the studio's waiting room. we played ghost, ate chicken mcnuggets, even played tetris when my friend and i brought our gameboys! being too good at tetris sucks, by the way. nobody wants to play against you. one of the show's interns actually passed by and saw us playing and challenged me to a few rounds. one of his superiors passed by and he sheepishly asked if he was allowed to be doing this. she responded,

"look, man, let me tell you something. really, as long as you get the job done, you can do whatever the hell you want."

wise words. and i still beat him. several times. it was cool.

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randomly, i was like
7/15/11 (friday)
"hey, remember that nutang site? i wonder if it's still around!"

and it is! whoa! hey!

i haven't updated this site in two years... so, in celebration of rediscovering this site (holy crap, i need a new profile picture) i shall stream-of-consciousness style summarize my junior and senior years (in between tetris games, of course)! go-go-go!

junior year was filled with AP exams and... nothing else. seriously, is that all i can remember from junior year? well, i started calculus, which was the biggest pain in the ass. it also killed my gpa terribly.

on the plus side, the guy that sat behind me (between his random mumbling and cursing out the teacher) had a humongous crush on one of my friends. he'd ask me about her once in a while and i thought it was the most adorable thing in the world. well, barring the fact that she's a conceited bitch who used to list off all the guys who wanted a slice of that... what? true story.

i didn't wanna discourage him because it was his senior year, after all (oh, that was an interesting three person class after the seniors graduated) but it was amusing to no end to watch this guy go after a girl who would whisper to me, "why does he keep talking to me? i don't like him..." oh, i don't know...

my sophomore religion teacher made a world cup pool at the end of the year, true story. i don't remember what country i got, but i don't think anybody got spain so no free wendy's guys, sorry.

spanish was a weird class. i got the biggest crush on this guy that i never knew existed before junior year (apparently, that summer he cut his hair really short. i didn't even recognize him with long hair in the yearbooks from past years) who had a deep voice that was really nice to listen to in spanish (especially since he was? is? fluent). it was weird, i dropped that crush the minute AP tests were over. as i told my friend, i think it was a distraction from all the stress of junior year.

it was kind of funny actually... my friend is friends with him and was trying to give my pointers about how to talk to him, which later evolved into how to approach guys in general. looking back, this is kind of pathetic, but fuck that. it never really worked because i eventually realized that we had absolutely no chemistry, but there's really no loss there, so whatever.

oh hey, i'm going class-by-class. anyway, history was the best. my teacher was the most sarcastic, black-humored man i've ever met. he'd show us pictures of child laborers from the early twentieth century, all depressed and black and white, and say things like, 'why aren't they working?' and make jokes about post-birth abortions. and curse out other teachers. and profess his undying love and admiration of others. it was adorable. one of my friends had a bit of a crush on him, though, and that was kind of weird. she's kind of weird.

moving on, my english teacher was awesome. we constantly asked ourselves, 'why is she working here?' apparently, she used to have a six-figure job as a partner in a huge law firm. and now she's working at catholic school. gotta give her props for following her heart, she genuinely enjoys teaching, so all the more power to her. anyway, she'd tell us stories about gym class under the eiffel tower, or her paralympian mother.

halfway through the year, her absences became more frequent and she often left school for weeks at a time (which really killed us, nobody wants their favorite teacher to be out). she came in a little while later and told us that she had cancer and was receiving treatment. and her outlook was good! that was the important part. we ordered her flowers (or were they edible arrangements? same deal) and made her a card and had an elaborate plan to surprise her with them in class once. it was adorable.

physics was terrifying.

biology was the worst, it killed all of our GPAs and was a huge blow to all of our self-esteems. the class averages on all the tests, without a curve, was failing. most of us got 5s on the AP exam though, which i guess is the important part, but still. my GPA hurt. all nighters, reading the book from 3 in the afternoon 'till 3 at night, weren't fun either. the fact that i transferred into the class and had to teach myself the first few units was kind of painful too.

oh, the sacrifices i make for school.

anyway, i deem junior year "the year that killed my chances of getting into cornell." no shit, i really do, my grades in bio and calc killed me. but that's fate! this is getting kind of long (that's what she said) so maybe i'll do senior year another day.

this was fun, nutang.

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i'd love to support them, but...
4/22/09 (wednesday)
I have two friends.
Well, not just two friends. But I'm just singling these two out for right now.

I'll call the girl C. She's on the tall side and she's very bright, probably one of the top students at her all-girls school. She's also your stereotypical, clumsy girl - she takes dance lessons, but you wouldn't know it if you looked at her. Sure, she's tall and thin, but she can't walk in a straight line to save her life. She carries around a small, folding brush in her pocket all the time to occasionally brush her shoulder-length, straight, black hair, and she refuses to get contacts because the thought of touching her eyes on a daily basis freaks her out. Oh yeah, and she loves talking with her hands - I went out to get italian ice with her and she went on the phone, telling her dad where she was, and put the ice down just so she could karate chop with her hand.

Do you get the picture?

I've been friends with C for a long time. When we were in kindergarten, I considered her my rival because in Pre-K, I was the smartest kid in the class. Upon her arrival, I was brushed aside, but in later grades we were nearly equals, though I like to say that I did better. Our parents even worked together, so even though we don't go to the same school anymore, we still keep in touch and hang out occasionally.

I'm also friends with this guy, I'll call him B. I've known him since I was in sixth grade, though we never really started talking until high school. He's on the very tall side; on the first day of freshman year, he confused some girls that thought he was already a senior. Mentally, he's a great student - he maintains a spot on the honor roll while still taking all honors classes (as do I, ahem, but this isn't about me), but with the way he talks and writes, you wouldn't think it. Sure, he says intelligent things, but his mannerisms make him sound like a five year old, and I can read Japanese better than I can read his handwriting (chicken scratch, in his own words). Hell, he still chews on and can't stand for a long time without hiding his hands in his sleeves.

And don't get me started on his dating awkwardness. He's a sweet guy, but he just can't get a girlfriend. It's not from a lack of trying - I know that he's actively pursued two of my best friends (and we all laugh at him behind his back about this - I'd say no offense, but that would be a lie; he's my friend and all but...) and he's asked out at least two others, but they've all turned him down.

Despite all these little annoyances, we still stay friends. I'm comfortable talking to him about almost anything, except maybe one.

You see, a week or so ago, C and B started to date. I don't know where it started, I don't know how it started, but from the moment I saw it, one word went through my mind - desperation. C had just broken up with her boyfriend a few months before. As the first guy that's ever asked her out, I could tell that she was still kind of attached to the feeling of having a boyfriend. B... he just screamed 'desperate' after being rejected almost four times - I feel sorry for him, but I just can't accept their relationship as of now.

Maybe it's because I don't want C, who's been my friend since we were toddlers!, to go out with a guy that gives off a desperate vibe. Even if I do know him, that doesn't keep me from being a little skeptical about them and what he really wants from her.
Maybe I'm still in shock because two of my best friends have just started going out, out of the blue. The only other time I had seen them together before this was at my sweet sixteen, when they disappeared off together after both complaining to feel 'hot' and 'sick' on the dance floor. Mind you, this relationship sprang up two weeks after this - and I hadn't heard of them hanging out or talking during this period of time. Though they might have.
Maybe I'm just jealous. I've always viewed C and B as the most awkward out of all my friends, and I though I know I should feel happy for them - hey, they've both found someone that can make them happy - I'm still kind of clueless as to why I haven't found someone for me yet. Hell, two of my best friends have guys to hug them and text them in the middle of school, hell, in the middle of the night, while I'm at a loss as to where I should even begin.

I'd ask them when? why? but the discomfort that I feel toward their relationship keeps me from bringing it up - I'm afraid that I'll bring up the way I feel about them together, and this might disgust them. Now that I think about it, the thought of them together actually kind of disgusts me too. Maybe I'm just avoiding the topic because I don't want to throw up a little in my mouth.
In any case, I think both of them kind of understand how I don't want to talk about it. I don't know what they've been saying to each other, but neither of them have really talked about the other one to me. I hung out with C the other day, and she outlined the day before as school, hanging out with friends downtown, watching a movie with B, being happy, sleeping. No details about their date or anything. The same thing with B, the only time I've ever talked to him about her was when he had his phone out in the middle of class - "Who are you texting?" "My girlfriend, who else?" And that was it.

I'm not the only one who feels this way. I hung out with three other friends from our group, and the topic of C and B came up. "Who else isn't comfortable with this?" one of my friends exclaimed, and the rest of us voiced our agreement. It was great to have that out in the open, but I don't know how I can - or if I'll ever be able to - support them as a couple.

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